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Thursday, 27 July 2017

Apologising for myself: My Challenge

(TW This post mentions self-harm.)

I've talked about this before- and the tension between speaking and silence continues to be the main struggle in my life. It seems like I am not alone in this as many people on Twitter have been relating to me and saying that they feel this too.

I apologise for myself constantly. When I talk to friends, I apologise. When I share my emotions, I apologise. When I speak my truth, I apologise.

Drawing by me

I live constantly with the feeling that I am taking up space, time and others' emotions. It makes me feel deeply uncomfortable. I apologise because I feel like my emotions are a burden on others. 

Maybe I apologise in a last ditch attempt to absolve myself of some of the gnawing guilt and shame that tries to consume me. I don't really know, yet.  

My drawing shows how deeply entrenched this feeling of needing to apologise for who I am is: 

Drawing by me. 

And I am trapped in a state of discomfort whether I talk about my emotions or not. This flowchart shows how I am 'damned if I do and damned if I don't'. (Click for a larger image!).

My friend has set me a challenge to not apologise to her. It's going to be hard- but I can't say no to challenges so I am going to give it a go! The question is whether I will still be able to talk to her if I know I can't apologise for doing so... I will keep you updated on how it goes! 

I've had lots of great dialogue and tips shared with me on Twitter (@TalkingAboutBPD), please feel free to join the conversation, I would love to hear your thoughts! I made a YouTube video too about why silence can be so painful

My final thought is this, by the artist Dallas Clayton: 

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