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Saturday, 25 February 2017

Having intense emotions

TW Suicidal thoughts and self-harm

For the last few weeks, I've been in one of those times I get when everything is heightened. All emotions, both the happy and the sad, have an edge to them.

Drawing from seven years ago articulating the highs and lows 

Every feeling I have is sharpened and I have peaks and troughs with real spikes and dips that are hard to deal with. The lows are really low, yet I also feel happiness and love and excitement and passion with such an energy.

It's incredibly confusing.


When I feel low, it can take me close to crisis. I've had a couple of those in the last few weeks. It's when I have suicidal thoughts and I don't understand why that is, but all I know is that they're there and they are frightening and horrible.

I'm not going to act on them. But all the same, it's a really harrowing and confusing experience.

Drawing I did years ago. 

Usually I can't stop crying, and I panic, and it's a physical sensation too. It literally floors me, knocks me down and I have to lie on the floor- for gravity to pull those feelings that are pulling on the inside of my stomach, to let them sink downwards into the floor.


Basically, I am a mess when this happens.

When these low episodes have happened in the past, several things could happen:

1. In the past, when I had these low, suicidal episodes, I used to self-harm. It seemed the only thing I could do, it was a natural response to those feelings. I've been able to move away from self-harming now in most instances.

2. I called or texted someone. I wanted help, but this often led to miscommunication and panic. I ended up getting even more distressed and then self-harming.

3. I called Samaritans and was able to talk and find some relief.

I have these episodes less frequently these days, but during the last few weeks I've had a few times when I have been close to a crisis.

Drawing by me. 

It's hard to talk about due to my fear of overwhelming people, so lately I have kept this to myself. It's hard. I hope this time of heightened emotions will pass soon.

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