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Monday, 3 April 2017

Fear of overwhelming people

*TW This post talks about suicidal thoughts and self-harm*
Over the course of my life, for many reasons, I came to believe that my emotions overwhelm people.

Drawing from a notebook from over ten years ago.

This belief has led to multiple problems, from self-harm, to an eating disorder, to suicidal thoughts, and is very closely wrapped up in my experiences of BPD.

I have been lucky enough to have some amazing people in my life who have been able to offer me an alternative perspective to this belief. I've had friends accept me and 'be there' for me (all of me), for as much as I have let them in.

Drawing by me

But I remain terrified, yes terrified is not too strong a word. Terrified that they won't be able to take my emotions and mental health problems. That they will be sick of me, cut ties and wish they have never got close to me.

This fear runs deep in my veins, causing me anxiety. It is woven into my experiences of self-harm, eating disorder, depression and (very much so) suicidal thoughts.

I will write more about this soon, it's a huge theme for me and maybe for many other people who relate to a Borderline Personality Disorder. Tweet me any thoughts as always @TalkingAboutBPD.

World Bipolar Day. What about BPD?

World Bipolar Day was last Thursday. I was happy to know about it and share some videos with my friends on social media etc.

#WorldBipolarDay. So many ridiculous & harmful stereotypes out there. People with #Bipolar need to be listened to & not judged.
— Orchid: BPD (@bpd_orchid) March 30, 2017

I reckon there should be a World BPD Day. Bipolar remains poorly understood by the majority of people and people with bipolar have to deal with stigma, stereotypes and judgements all too often. BPD is arguably even less well understood by most people. People with BPD have stereotyped FAR too often.

I wonder if a World BPD Day is on its way? Do you think there should be one? Tweet me @TalkingAboutBPD.

Living a hidden life

For years, it's as if I've been living a double life.

My secret life where I take medication, go to doctors appointments and turn down invitations with excuses because I'm seeing my therapist or I need to be alone to cope with whatever's going through my head.

My secret life where I say vaguely mutter 'I left uni for a year because I was ill', rather than say that I had an all consuming breakdown, depression and an eating disorder which left me housebound, reclusive and dependent for months.

Drawing by me 

I already felt a huge sense of shame about myself. But living a secret life where I didn't feel I could tell the truth compounded this shame.

I have started to become more open and tell my truth retrospectively. But sometimes the shame feels so big the words get stuck in my mouth and I look at the ground and mutter something that feels like a lie.

Honesty is very important to me. More than ever, I am able to speak my truth and I'm finding the people who like me for who I am actually am, rather than who I feel I have to present myself as.

Drawing by me

Leading a secret life with a mental health condition or illness can be extremely hard socially. I hope everyone reading this finds their own way through the difficult social aspects of their experiences.