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Wednesday, 17 September 2014

Triggers: One spark to start a blaze

**TW applies**

I'm going to write a very personal post about one of my biggest triggers- the sorts of interpersonal moments which are more often that not a spark for an emotional episode. **TW** In the past, these emotional episodes have been explosive, involved suicidal ideation and self-harm ideation and self-harm. At the moment, I have calmed these emotional episodes down and they are much less destructive. This is thanks to the Dialectical Behaviour Therapy Diary and the new way of experiencing and relating to my emotions the book has given me. 

My biggest trigger is when someone close to me says something to me that I interpret as 'i am not a good person'. Also, if someone tells me that I hurt their feelings or weren't able to give them what I want it can trigger me to feel utterly useless and terrible. I 'split' and see myself as 'all-bad' and take on this one comment or conversation as my self-definition or defining factor of my life, who I am and who I will always be. 

**TW** It is frightening: I start to feel 'bad' and think of ways to punish myself, with eating disorders or self-harm. My new job has helped me to feel useful, good about myself and my personal qualities, as I put them into action in my everyday life and feel as though I am contributing to others in a (hopefully) meaningful way.